randi_d84's Journal
Thursday, February 11, 2010
11:24PM - Splitting
I honestly cannot remember the last time I was on here...for any reason. My parents are splitting up. I'm not sure if it's going to lead to a divorce but I know that my mom wants to move out of the house. I know that I'm married and I'm in my mid 20s and I have a home of my own but home has always really been their house. I don't have a home anymore. I feel empty. I'm homeless. What do I tell people when I go up there? I can't tell them that I'm going home because I don't know where that is. Will it ever feel like home again? With Mom in one place and Dad in another? I don't want to be selfish and I don't want them to be together if they're not happy. I just hope that they figure this out now and move on because if they don't and try again and then decide to split again I won't want any part of it. It's hard enough to have my mom tell me that she still loves my dad but she's not in love with him. Last time I had to deal with listening to my dad cry on the phone to me. That's not something I really want to repeat. I'm going up there next month and I have no idea where I'll be staying. How awkward will it be if I go to stay at their house and they sleep in different rooms? Great...now I'm feeling sick...
crappyTuesday, January 13, 2009
1:18PM - Why Now?
I don't know why but all of a sudden I have been thinking about my first love. The first guy I ever truly fell in love with. I believe in my heart that I am still in love with him. I wondered if he was happy before I got married. Lately I've been dreaming about him. Not just dreaming with him in it but dreaming that I am with him and still married to my husband. I am not a cheater anymore. I have managed to stay faithful for the 3+ years that my husband and I have been together. The last time I was faithful to someone was my first love.
I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him. He has the most beautiful blue eyes that I have ever seen in my life. He had short, dark, curly hair. Such a hottie! He was the first guy that I had ever dated that was so gorgeous. I loved every minute that we were together. We met 10 days after I got to my first unit in the military. Four days later I lost my virginity to him. I knew that he was the only one that I wanted to be with. We had our ups and downs. We dated three times in the year that I was there.
The last time I physically laid eyes on him was the night before his ship was getting underway. I didn't really know where we stood and I just wanted to talk to him, hold him. I knew that it was possibly going to be the last time I ever saw him because a week after they left, I was leaving to transfer across the country. I knocked on his door and begged for him to talk to me. When he finally did open the door, I grabbed his face and kissed him. He pulled away and I looked him in the eye and told him to just let me do what I have to do. He let me kiss him. It was the most breath-taking kiss ever and the most sad. It was my good bye kiss for him. I could see the sadness in his eyes when I pulled away. Still holding his face in my hands, I told him that I love him and that I always will love him. Without saying another word, I turned and walked away. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do (up to that point in my life).
I heard from him a few months later. He had transferred also and was 7 hours away from me. I wanted to see him so bad but knew that there was no way I could take leave to see him but I knew that I could meet him half way without needing approval. I tried to convince him to come see me because there were a bunch of festivities going on in the city I lived in and I wanted him to enjoy his time off before he had to report in. He wanted me to come see him. When I offered to meet him half way, he told me that he couldn't and wanted me to drive all the way. I did something that now I truly regret.
I told him no. I told him that if he wasn't willing to meet me half way, I wasn't coming to see him. I was sick of playing games and that if he really wants to see me, he'll meet me half way. That was the last time I heard from him. I had a dream about him the night before last. I can't even put into words what it felt like. It felt so real. I could feel every touch, every kiss...oh God how I could feel every kiss. It was amazing. Last night, I started looking for him. He's someone that I have looked for in the past, trying to reconnect with him but was always unsucessful. I found him on a website I use and it tells everyone the last date you logged on. The last time he logged on was almost 2 years ago. I sent him an email through this site and doubt that he will get it. I wish I had the email account he opened it with. I would just send him an email. The picture that I was able to find of him was him with a little girl on his lap and he was feeding her an Andes mint. I wonder if that is a niece or his daughter.
I actually cried when i saw his picture. We were always so happy together and I was miserable when we were apart. That's why I dated (and got engaged to) the first guy who showed intrest in me after he left for a 7 month deployment. When he got back, I took one look at him from 50 yards away and knew that I wanted no one else. I had a dream about him again last night. Another one where I could feel every touch and kiss. It was amazing. I don't know what I would do if I saw him again. When I found out what city he lives in I almost cried. He lives in a city not far from where I used to live a few years ago.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
12:25PM - Everybody But Me
I don't know what I have to do to get pregnant. I'm totally serious. I mean, we've been trying for months, I'm taking prenatal vitamins, I lay around after we have sex to make sure that all of those little swimmers make their way to where they need to be.
I keep finding out the more and more people I know are pregnant. I found out not too long ago that a girl I went to high school with is due in like 3 months. Last night I found out that another girl I went to high school with is pregnant. Then one of the girls I know who's hubby works with mine is pregnant with their second kid and she said that she wasn't ready to have another baby yet.
What are they doing differently than me? The longer this takes the more and more I start thinking that this is my punishment for having an abortion 4 years ago. Like that was the only time I was allowed to get pregnant and I messed it up. It's just not fair at all. I want a baby so bad! My own little bundle of joy. This sucks!
pissed offFriday, November 14, 2008
5:55PM - Unpure Thoughts
I've been doing a lot of thinking and it's not all that great. I guess in a way it is because all I'm doing is thinking and imagining and not physically acting. I'd like to say that there's this guy but there's three.
I'll start with the guy I don't even know. It's the guy that works at the gym. He so cute. He's the one that actually signed me up for my membership. My gym routine is pretty much the same just about every day. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I do strength training and Monday through Friday I walk on the treadmill. On strength training days, I walk for about 30 - 40 minutes and on non-strength training days, I walk for an hour. If I'm there when he's working, I am constantly checking him out. Trying to see if he's glancing at me. While I'm walking, I have a hard time concentrating on the magazine I bring to read and find myself fantasizing. I imagine asking him to help me stretch and it's always when the other guy that works there takes over for him and he's off. He takes me into the back room that's used for a yoga class. He shuts and locks the door. We start off by him helping me stretch but while we're stretching my legs out, we just lock eyes and then kiss. He has my leg over his shoulder and keeps stretching me while he kisses me. I get to the point where he picks me up and I have my legs wrapped around his waist and then I remember that I'm walking on a treadmill and snap back into reality.
The second guy. He's a guy that I went to boot camp with just over 6 years ago. We ended up on the same flight out of Philly but went separate ways when we landed in Vegas. We sat next to each other on the flight and ended up making out and falling asleep in each others arms. I had a huge crush on him but we didn't do anything about it because he was stationed in NOLA and I was stationed in San Fran. The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago when he transferred out to Cali and right before I transferred to NOLA. We didn't do anything because he had a girlfriend but I let him sleep in my room with me. He just recently informed me that he's had a hard time keeping in touch with me because he really likes me. I sort of fueled the fire. I asked him why he never told me and why he waited until I had been married for a year, bought a house and is trying to get pregnant. He couldn't answer me. He started saying things...dirrty things. I've never been good at that stuff but I told him that I wished he would have said something a few years ago about liking me. Ever since then, not only have I been thinking about the plane ride and seeing him in Cali but I've been imagining the things he was saying he would do to me. He told me that he owns his own business and when he moves back home when his enlistment is up in 4 months, he would fly me out to see him. I told him that I couldn't do that. Secretly...I really want to.
The last guy and most important. My long lost friend. I haven't seen him since we were 5 or 6. Since he found me in September I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I finally got to see him on Monday. He is an amazing guy. Even after him finding me and seeing his pictures, seeing him in person...I fell in love. Don't get me wrong, I still love my husband more than anything in the world but I was filled with this warm fuzzy feeling. The kind you get when you first enter a relationship and everything is so new. That's the feeling I got. When we hugged, I didn't want him to let go. I felt so good and safe in his arms. At the end of the night when we had to say good bye and go our separate ways, I wanted to kiss him so bad. He's the first person I ever kissed. Granted we were 3 or 4 when we first kissed but we would kiss and make out like teenagers then. We watched way too much Showtime and HBO. I imagined just kissing him softly before we parted but I didn't. Then I told him the other day that I really wanted to kiss him when we were together and he said that i was sweet to say that but i'm married and he doesn't want to get in trouble. Who would have known? I was in a town that wasn't where I grew up and no one knew I was there. He's talking about coming down for Thanksgiving and Monday night when I went to sleep, I fell asleep smiling and then dreamed that I went to get him from his hotel room and he gave me this huge hug, pulled me into his room so he could grab a few things before we went to my house and as soon as the door shut, he started kissing me. I've had some version of that dream ever since I saw him.
Like I said, I love my husband and I have way too much invested in this relationship to just throw it away on something that may not even be worth it. And I also said that these are only thoughts and not actions. I feel bad but as long as I don't do anything I'm good right? I'm afraid I might and not even feel guilty about it. I thought I had changed when I met my husband but now I'm not so sure.
confusedMonday, October 20, 2008
9:59PM - Disappointed
I am disappointed in myself mostly. Let's see why:
~I don't have a job yet.
~I can't seem to keep up with the dishes or laundry.
~My house always seems like it's a disaster area.
~I have no motivation for anything.
~I spent over $300 for a 1 year gym membership and have only gone 5 times in the last 2 weeks.
~My dog hurt himself and I couldn't get up this morning to take him to the vet.
~I didn't call the vet to set up an appointment for tomorrow like I told my hubby I would.
~I can't stand to look at myself because I'm sickened by what I see.
That's just the tip of the ice berg my friend. It's just the beginning. I look at myself and I think just terrible things. I think I'm a fat slob. I can't control my urges as far as what I eat so how can I even begin to think I'll be able to lose weight. I don't think I'm at a healthy weight to have a baby but I so desperately want to have a baby now that we're in our own home and we know that we won't be moving every year.
For the both of us, this will be the first time in years that we haven't moved every year. My husband has moved just about every year for the last 10 years and I did for the last 6. We finally get to put some roots down.
I can't remember if I said anything about my nervous break down. My husband told me that we were BOTH going to start eating better and that we were BOTH going to start exercising. So far, neither have happened. He promised me that we would go for a walk every day before he had to go to work. I told him I wanted him to go because I can't walk the dog by myself and I feel bad leaving him behind. Well, like I said, we've only gone for a walk once. That's it. I told him that I wanted to get out and do stuff. Go hiking, walk on the beach, go to the gym, walk around the neighborhood...anything.
He promised me that he would help me. So far he hasn't done any of it. I love him and I know that he loves me but he's constantly telling me one thing and then doing a complete 180. All weekend, for instance, he said that his main priority was getting our dog to the vet first thing this morning to see what's wrong with him. I didn't get to sleep until sometime after 3:30 this morning so when my alarm went off at 8am, I didn't want to get up. I did hit the snooze button a few times and then I tried to wake my husband up. I gave him a little shake and said, "Ready to get up and take the dog to the vet?" He gave a little grunt and then was snoring again. I apparently turned my alarm off and we ended up sleeping until a little after 11am.
Then he got all pissed off at me because I said that I would get him up early today. I told him about what I did and he was still all pissy. Then when I suggest taking the dog in tomorrow morning he says he can't because he's probably not going to get off work before 1am. Guess what, JACK ASS? You were up way passed 1am last night and you still didn't want me to get you up today. Then I suggested making our pup an appointment for early afternoon so that way he can sleep a little bit longer and he says that his main priority is fixing his truck. Guess what? That truck isn't going to get any better until we've dropped a couple thousand dollars.
He's so tight about spending money and doesn't want to use his credit card but when there are things that we need, like a new bed, he wants to put them off. But then he tells me that if he has to drop $4,000 to replace his engine, he'll do it in a heart beat. It doesn't make sense. It's almost like he's forgotten that we're married and that he's just spending his own money and I'm making my own. Guess what? I can't find a fucking job in this God damn town.
I gotta go to bed. This is just driving me nuts. I need to fold some laundry so that way it at least looks like I did something today after he left.
irritatedFriday, October 10, 2008
8:48PM - I've Been Thinking...
I keep hearing about women I know getting pregnant, having babies, celebrating their kid's birthday and it's got me a little depressed to say the least. I don't think about it as much as I used to but my baby would be turning 4 in March. It makes me a little upset and angry. It also makes me wonder if that was my once chance at having a baby. I screwed up big time by letting that asshole I was with talk me into an abortion (I hate that word with a passion).
When I went to the doctor and told him that I wanted to have a baby, he said that because I've been pregnant before, I should be able to get pregnant again. I just don't understand why it's taking so long. I mean I was off birth control and we were still having sex for about 3 or 4 months before we decided to really start trying. I've got the ovulation tests and everything. I was really hoping that it happened last month. I woke up the morning before my period was supposed to start and when I went to use the test, I realized that I had just started. I cried a little.
I really hope that God gives me another chance at having a baby. All I need is one. He doesn't have to let me have two or even twins but just one. I want to be able to hold this one in real life and not just in my dreams. Her face is still burned into my brain. I'll never forget what she looked like. I call my baby a her because it was just a gut feeling. I was 8 weeks 2 days when she was taken away from me. It was my fault. I had actually thought about telling the guy I was with that I had cheated on him (because I had) and not telling him that I was pregnant. If sometime down the road, she wanted to know who her dad was, I would have told her.
I've tried to trick myself into thinking I don't want a baby because then maybe I would get pregnant but I know deep in my heart and in the front of my brain that it's not true and I want a baby inside me as soon as I can.
crushedWednesday, October 8, 2008
11:09PM - Lots of Thinking
Just a little rambling before I go to bed. I will be getting up at 9:30am tomorrow. That's assuming that I don't get up before my alarm goes off. After getting up, I will put on gym clothes and I WILL go to the gym tomorrow and get a membership. I will then exercise for at least an hour.
I will come home and check my email. Why am I checking my email? Because I sent an email to a hopeful employer and I asked for an email address or to have her call me after 12pm. Depending on the response, if I even get one, will decided if I take a shower right then or not. If I get an email address, I'll shower and then write the email. If it's too close to Noon that I don't think my shower could be over in time, I'll just wait until after Noon.
I'll also be talking to my husband about signing up for some classes. Since it's been almost a year and I haven't taken a class, I found out that I have to enroll in a class that starts prior to March 1st. Until I start getting money from the VA, I'll have to put my first payments on a credit card.
Once I get the okay from him to use the credit card, I'll be making two phone calls. The first will be to the school. Find out what an email meant since I can't seem to get a response from the lady who sent it to me. If I find the information good and, most importantly, understandable, I will then call the VA. I want to know how long it will take to start getting money because I'd like to only use the credit card for the first payment and not for the rest of them. Maybe if I tell them that I haven't been able to get a job yet I might be able to get that advancement and then I won't even have to worry about using the credit card.
I'm definitely going to have to take a look at this entry tomorrow before I call to make sure that I have all my questions written down to I don't forget anything. I'll probably start my list tonight.
Alright. I'm done. I'm going to bed. Actually I think I'm going to take a shower first and then go to bed. I kind of smell a little!
tiredTuesday, October 7, 2008
8:29PM - The Person I Fell Hardest For
The last couple of days, I've been filling out quite a few on-line surveys. I've noticed that at least one of them always asks "Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest/fastest for?" When I first realized that the question was there, I originally put "No". Then I thought about it. I know that my husband doesn't fill those things out but I don't know if he reads what I write in them. Just in case he did, I went back and changed my answer from "No" to "Everyday...I married him!"
I feel like I'm lying. When asked who I fell hardest for my immediate answer is my first boyfriend I had reported to my first unit in the military. From the first moment I laid eyes on him, I knew I was in love. He had these beautiful blue eyes and soft curly brown hair. He found a way to touch me at all times. Didn't matter if he held my hand, touched my cheek, brushed my back, or moved my hair from my shoulders. He found a way. He wasn't afraid to walk up to me and just hold me. He wasn't afraid to kiss me in front of his friends. He wanted to make sure I was okay at all times.
I fell for him so hard. That's why it was so hard for me to transfer. As happy as I was to be leaving my unit, I didn't want to leave all the friends that I had made. I didn't want to leave him. We didn't have a perfect relationship. Hell, we dated 3 times and each time he broke my heart. I remember that night like it was yesterday. Well, the part with him anyway. I remember bits and pieces otherwise.
All my friends were getting underway the next day and I would be gone a few days after they left. I knew that I would never see most of them again. I knew that emails would eventually go unanswered and I'd lose touch. He avoided me most of the night. We were all just hanging out and having fun but it was getting to be time for me to leave. I didn't want to but I knew that I had to be at work at 4am the next morning and need a couple hours of sleep. I started making my rounds. Telling everyone that I would miss them and that they'd have to come visit. I asked if anyone had seen him and someone said they thought he went up to his room.
I went upstairs and knocked on his door. No answer. I walked to the top of the stairs and called him. As I started down, I heard his phone ring in his room. Halfway through the ring, it went silent but on my end it kept ringing. I knew that he had silenced his phone. Just not quick enough. I knocked on his door again. I asked him to please open the door. I was leaving and just wanted to say good bye. Nothing more. I started to cry. Out of all the friends that I had made and despite the fact that we weren't together anymore, I still had feelings for him and I couldn't deny it.
He opened his door. Maybe I don't remember everything exact but I remember him standing in his doorway after I had started to walk away. I believe that he said good bye to my back and I turned around and blocked him from shutting the door. I grabbed his face, told him that I was in love with him and that I always would be. I kissed him and walked away. I don't remember if I made it down the stairs before i was crying hard. I calmed myself down before I went into the living room to say good bye to more people.
As I got in my car and started to leave, I looked up at his window and I saw nothing. No movement of the blinds or anything. I'd like to say that that is the last time I ever heard from him but it's not. I heard from him about 2 or 3 months later. He had been transferred and was 7 hours away (by car). I was still new to my unit and didn't want to press the boundaries and drive all the way to see him but I knew that I could go to the border of our states and a little further and I'd be okay. I asked him if he wanted to meet in the middle or come out to see me for Mardi Gras. He told me that he wanted me to come and see him. At the time I told him no. I told him that I was done being treated like dirt and that if he wasn't willing to meet me half way then he wasn't worth my time.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I would have gone to see him. Before I got married, I started looking at his picture and was wondering if he was happy. I've looked for him on the internet but I haven't been able to find him. I don't know if I really want to. A part of me does but there's another part of me that doesn't because as much as I love my husband, I don't know how I would react to seeing him.
contemplativeTuesday, September 30, 2008
5:48PM - Alas...No Wedding Pictures!
My husband finally remembered to talk to his mom about our wedding pictures about a week ago. She told him that she wanted to apologize because she had gotten so wrapped up with everything that she NEVER ordered the pictures. It took everything I had in me not to go through the roof. I just kind of bit my tongue and didn't say anything. I wanted to say that we would have our pictures by now if I would have ordered them like I wanted to.
I celebrated my one year wedding anniversary and had to look at pictures that other people took instead of the professional ones. Not that the ones I have from my mom, grandma, and friend aren't good, but the photographer took pictures of us by the lake. I had hoped to have that picture framed and hung up in our house by now.
I would almost bet money on it that my sister-in-law has pictures from her wedding already. We had the same photographer but her wedding was five weeks after ours. Of course she has her pictures already. Mom wouldn't stand for her not to have them. Forget about her son. Her oldest child. The one who got married first. Screw him, right. Whatever.
annoyedWednesday, September 24, 2008
11:59PM - Unwanted
This last weekend, a guy my husband works with asked him for some help. He lives on about 40 acres of land and once a year, he has almost the entire department show up to help him cut down a few big trees on his land, split them and pile the wood up by his barn. My husband asked if I wanted to go. I said sure. One of the guys that we know from the last place we were at is here but he's hurt so he was put in charge of grilling the food for everyone. I didn't mind helping him out.
We get there and we're two of about five people there. I get introduced to the guy and his wife and after talking to her for about 20 minutes or so, my buddy and his girlfriend show up. I'd met her before and we'd talked the night before and we were excited about cooking all day. Not long after they showed up, another guy I knew from before showed up with his wife. Instantly, my buddy's girlfriend and here are just totally chatty.
I understand that I'm the new girl and that I'm not going to be one of the guys here because I don't work with them. I'm supposed to make friends with the girlfriends and the wives. I guess because of how it was before we moved, everyone just kind of hung out together. Here I feel like I don't belong. All these girlfriends and wives have been around each other for at least a year or more and I'm the new girl. I just felt so out of place with them.
These guys here don't know me so they can't really be themselves around me which really sucks because I kind of get shoved into the position of trying to make friends with the women. I've never been a real girl's girl. I've always been a guy's girl. What offends most girls doesn't offend me. I'm so much more open about things than most women. Even the women who have been married to these guys for years, they're still nothing compared to how I am. I'm not saying that I'm better than them because that's the last thing I want to come across as but I just didn't feel welcome that day.
I felt like I was being shunned. Every time I tried to say something, it seemed like no one was listening to me. Almost like they were acting like they were better than me. Like I didn't belong so why was I even trying. It really hurt my feelings and if I was more of a girlie girl, I probably would have cried. I just felt like I was being treated almost the same way I was by the girls I was "friends" with at the last place. Why did I put quotes around friends? Because they would do the same thing to me but I let them. I would get interrupted in the middle of my sentences without being apologized to and would get blown off. I swore that I wouldn't allow myself to be around people like that anymore.
I hate to say it but if I don't start to feel more welcome, I'm not even going to try. I won't put myself out there to be used by people. I'm sick of it. I won't do it. Hopefully I'll get a job pretty soon and will be able to make some friends that way. I know it's important to my husband that I do make some friends but if that's the way it's going to be with I'm around the other wives and girlfriends, I want nothing to do with them.
sleepyThursday, September 18, 2008
3:33PM - Long Lost Friend
Two days ago, my best friend from when I was 5 found me on the internet. Well, he found my sister, asked if she was my sister and that's how he found me. I've wanted to find him for years and haven't been able to. I talked to him by text messages last night for about 3 hours. I've missed him so much. I felt at ease talking to him. I want to see him. I want to hug him. I want to hold him and never let go. Now that he's found me, I'm afraid of losing him again. I can't let that happen. He's leaving tomorrow to go to Houston to help with the clean up after the hurricane that hit last week or whenever it hit. I have so many emotions right now that I haven't really been able to think of anything or anyone since the first time he sent me an email two days ago. I am just in so much awe that I can't believe he's really real. It blows my mind. I can hardly type or write anything that really makes sense. I just wanted to write this really quick little entry.
cheerfulMonday, September 8, 2008
3:27PM - Shame On You If You Thought The Ranting Was Over
Hopefully I won't be ranting and raving too much longer and can start using this to document my diet and exercise (again). I have two things to touch on real quick.
I've been going to this online school for 2 years now. Sounds like a long time except that I was in the middle of getting out and didn't know when so I have only taken 4 classes (since I couldn't use TA anymore). Anyway, when I was taking a math class last winter, the website came out and said that upon completion of 4 classes, you would receive an ID card (minus a picture since it's an online school). Well, after that class was over, I had completed my 4 classes and sent an email to my Student Adviser asking her about it. She just responded to me today that I would have to continue to print out my ID card from the website. Talk about stupid. Waste a whole piece of paper to print out something that doesn't even take up 1/4 of the page? And it's not like you can reuse the paper for something else because it prints right SMACK in the middle of the freakin' page.
This second and final rant is something justifiable. My husband and I will celebrate our FIRST wedding anniversary at the end of the month. Should be great, right? Besides the fact that he is now working nights and will have to work (no biggy), we still don't have our wedding pictures. One freakin' year later and we still don't have our pictures. My mother-in-law showed us our proof book (which I should have but I don't) in November. My in-laws wanted to get my parents a Mother's book and my mother-in-law (from here on out referred to as MIL and my father-in-law as FIL) picked out pictures that she thought my mom would like and asked my opinion.
I went through the pictures and said she'd like them and she put the order in so we could give it to her when we went home for Christmas (which we did and she loved it). Since she had the proof book (and not me), I went to the website and looked at the pictures and the sizes and picked which pictures I wanted and what sizes. When we got to his parents' house after seeing mine at Christmas, I showed her the list and looked at the book and realized that the pictures in the book didn't go in the same order as the website.
I had written down the order of the people in the pictures on the sheet that I wrote the sizes on and she said that she would look at the website and the book and figure it out. Plus, they offered sizes on the website that weren't in the proof book. She said that she would place the order (since the photographer is a family friend). The last thing I heard about it was MONTHS ago and my husband said something to me that his mom had said that it was going to cost us a fortune for the pictures.
First off, the guy told us that he was going to charge us a little over the cost for the pictures (no charge for the service) since he's a family friend and he did our wedding and then 5 weeks later my husband's sister got married and he did her's too. Even though she said it was going to cost a fortune, she never told him how much it was going to cost.
It would have been nice on our 1st Anniversary to go through a photo album of the professional pictures that were taken and remember the day and night but unfortunately we can't do that. We'll have to look at pictures that we have on CDs from my family (because no one on his side of the family who took pictures bothered to send me what they had). I don't even really have any from the ceremony. Only a few.
I've got to pee and I'm hungry and have to clean the kitchen and finish the last two loads of laundry.
annoyedTuesday, September 2, 2008
11:30PM - Complete Break Down
I had a huge melt down Sunday on our drive back down from my mom and dad's house. We had a great day Saturday with my dad at the football game. That night I went to see "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2" with my mom. It was great.
We got a little bit of a late start coming home Sunday. We probably should have been out of there by 10am but I was enjoying spending time with my family since I haven't really been around them much the last few years and we didn't leave until after Noon.
We drove down to a small town close to the border and took a little detour. We decided that since we've driven the major freeway going to our house several times, we would take the scenic route along the coast. We crossed into our new home state and headed towards the coast. We were talking and (as usual) he said something in a tone that around this time of the month triggers the water works.
He felt bad because I was crying and I tried to reassure him that it was just because I was supposed to start my period that day and reminded him the I always get like that when it gets to be that time of the month. I told him that it was nothing he said; it was just the tone he used that set the tears in motion.
Next thing I knew, I couldn't stop crying. I just started thinking about everything that had been bothering me. Then I found myself crying so hard that I was having trouble breathing. I was able to calm myself down enough to tell him what was wrong.
I told him that I didn't feel like I don't do enough around the house. Even though I do the laundry and the dishes and try and keep the house clean, I should have more of the boxes unpacked. I feel like the house should be completely unpacked and put away by now.
I wish I had a job. I told him that I feel useless. I started crying so hard that I couldn't breath. I got extremely hot all of a sudden and my upper lip actually started to tingle and go numb. I had to roll down the window to get air. If I wouldn't have been able to roll the window down, I probably would have passed out and Matt would have had to pull over and would have freaked out.
He told me that he loved me and that he was glad I finally told him. I told him that I wasn't done. I told him that it was only about half of what I wanted to tell him but I needed some time to calm down.
I waited a couple hours before I told him the rest. I told him that I'm not comfortable with the way I look. I hate that I've gained so much weight. In the three years since I've had surgery, I've gained almost 40 pounds. It sucks. I know that at the beginning, I gained some weight because I was stuck behind a desk for two years and wasn't constantly running around.
I want to start eating better and I know that we have since we've moved here but when I was weighed at the doctor's office, I wanted to throw up on the spot for weighing 156 pounds. I want to start exercising but I lack the motivation. I told him that I thought being disgusted with the way I look and wanting to lose weight would be enough motivation to get out and exercise but it apparently isn't. I went for that one walk with the dog but that was it.
I can't stand to see myself naked. I feel gross. After telling him all of that, and a lot more crying, he told me that we would start exercising together and diet. He asked me if I wanted a gym membership and I don't think I could have said yes fast enough.
I did a little research yesterday and found a website that is free to use and is a free diet (unlike the websites for the South Beach diet and all those). It's nothing special. The guy that created the website says that the diet is just the natural way that your body wants to lose weight and the only thing he has done is give it a spiffy name (The Lose Weight Diet) and a website to explain to everyone how your body wants to shed the pounds naturally, without using pills or diet foods (like Weight Watchers).
I started keeping count of my calories today. To lose weight, I should be eating just over 1500 calories a day. I think my total for today was around 1400. The website says that 3500 calories equals 1 pound of fat. If you cut 500 calories from your diet for all seven days in the week, you will cut 3500 calories and lose one pound a week. With that and exercise, I'm hoping to start losing weight soon.
I have also read that you shouldn't weigh yourself every day or even every week. You really shouldn't even weigh yourself every other week. I figured that if I weigh myself every other week or every third week and then recalculate how many calories I should eat every day. You take that and subtract 500 calories to lose weight.
I figure that a 1500 calorie diet should be good enough and then I'll start going to the gym and try and burn a lot more calories than I'll be consuming in a day.
I hate to say it but I started my period today. I'm disappointed that I'm not pregnant but since my break down I've been doing some thinking. I have read that it's easier to lose what you gained when you were pregnant than it is to lose what you gained and then some. I'm thinking about talking to him and telling him that maybe we should wait. As much as I really, really want a baby, maybe we should get healthy and I should shed at least 25 - 30 pounds before I get pregnant. It pains me to say that but I think it may be best.
Well, I think I'm going to go to bed. It's after midnight and I'm getting up around 8am. I'm going to eat some cantaloupe for breakfast and hopefully get him up around 9am and maybe we can go for a walk before we start our day.
crappyTuesday, August 19, 2008
1:58PM - Not Sure What Is Going On
I really love my husband. Don't get me wrong. I'm madly in love with him and I can't even imagine being with anyone other than him.
With that being said, I'm not really sure where all these dreams are coming from. I had a dream about the guy I had a crush on in high school. I was so in love with him. The first time I saw him was sometime in the school year of 1996 - 1997. I was in 7th grade and he was in 8th grade. I saw him in the school hallway. I remember walking down the hallway and this guy comes around the corner and he had the most incredible blue eyes I had ever seen in my life. I saw him randomly around the school and over the summer I kind of forgot about him. I'm not quite sure how (you'd agree with me if you saw him...even now). I had my random crushes on guys my final year of middle school and then fell in love all over again my Freshman year.
We had Geometry together. We never really spoke to one another. I am a firm believer that I would have understood the material and gotten a way better grade if I hadn't been worried about looking good and wanting to get him to notice me. The biggest mistake that my teacher made was having him sit behind me and then having me sit behind him. Let me tell you what. He smelled so good!
I always wondered if he was a good kisser and if he kisses anything like he does in my dreams then he is an awesome kisser. I don't really remember how my dream started but I remember there being lots of kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. The odd thing was is that in my dream I was cheating on my husband and he was cheating on his girlfriend. With that being said, you can see why I said what I said at the beginning. His friends seemed to be okay with it and I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I couldn't stop touching him.
The way I figure it, you're always jealous of the one who's with the one you could never get. The fact that I'm only a year younger than him and he's dating a girl that is my sister's age (21 and he's 25). I don't care about the age difference, obviously since my husband is 6 years older than me and my ex is 12 years older than me. He's beautiful and I hope that he's happy. I think I'll always have a crush on him. Forever and ever.
crappyMonday, August 18, 2008
11:37AM - I Can't Believe What Has Happened To Me
I woke up this morning before 6am to thunder booming over my house and lightning lighting up my bedroom. Unfortunately, upon waking, I found myself thinking about what I had last written about. Maybe I should say who I wrote about last night. I fell asleep thinking about him and I woke up thinking about him. I don't quite know how it happened but I think I have a secret crush on Joe Jonas. I had another dream last night. It was crazy. I don't even want to go into details because in the off chance that they know about this site and look for people who write about them, that's the last thing I need. Especially after what I wrote last night. That would be embarrassing enough. At least he wouldn't be able to see my face. I don't think I have a picture of myself relating to my screen name anywhere.
i gotta get moving. I have a few phone calls to make and some dishes that need to be done. Especially since my husband could be home any time now. Oh if he knew about these dreams that I'm having, he would have so much fun making fun of me. I told him about the first one. Well, I told him that I had a dream that I was on tour with the Jonas Brothers but I didn't go into detail because that's my business. Not his!
hungrySunday, August 17, 2008
11:20PM - Crazy Dream Reveals Secret Obsession
I've been having these really crazy dreams lately. I am usually playing opposite of...the Jonas Brothers. I'm not sure why they have been in my dreams. Do I have some secret obsession with them? Do I secretly love their music? Do I secretly think they are cute?
I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with them because I know nothing about them. My knowledge of the Jonas Brothers goes as far as they are three brothers named Kevin, 20, Joe, 19, and Nick (almost 16). Nick dated Miley Cyrus. The brothers have made a vow of celibacy and they all wear a ring on their left ring finger to represent it. The only reason I know their ages is because there was a little interview in one of the last two US Weekly magazines that I had. I did record Camp Rock. I do not have any of their cds. I've thought about it though.
I don't really remember my last dream I had before last night and I really only remember pieces of it. Both of my dreams seemed to have me focused on Joe. I really don't find him attractive but I guess if I'm dreaming about him then maybe I do and I just don't want to or don't want to believe it. I guess there is something about him. Although, if Kevin acts remotely close to how he did in Camp Rock then our personalities would go better.
Anyway, from what I remember of my dream from last night, it seemed that I was at their rehearsal for a show. They were playing and going over a little choreography and I was helping them out. They started playing a song that I knew and I started singing with them and was getting really close to Joe. It felt so real that I could feel him touch the side of my face and I could feel my hand go through his hair. His cheek on mine. I could feel his chest on my back rising and falling with every deep breath he took while we were hanging out. It was amazing and I lost my breath.
From what I remember of my last dream, I was on tour with them. I'm not sure what all else happened but I remember going for walks with Joe and him kissing me and telling him that something didn't feel right but it did.
I don't know what I'm going to do about this. Although, I can't get their new song Burnin' Up out of my head.
sleepyWednesday, August 13, 2008
9:48AM - Still No Job
Since my husband and I moved here, I'll admit, I haven't done as much job searching as I should. I thought about this the other day. Since my husband is in the military, maybe I could get a job at the local exchange. Of course, I think of this on Friday night after they've closed. Since I don't know the hours, I just waited until Monday morning to call.
I found the phone number for the exchange in the phone book and called. I guess the manager is the one who answered the phone because I told her that my husband was just transfered to the area and was wondering if they were hiring. She told me no because she had just hired someone. She told me that I could still fill out an application and she'd keep it on file.
Well, Monday was my most productive day in weeks. At least that's how it felt. I was up around 8am (my alarm went off at 7:30am but I was hitting the snooze button until I heard my phone beep with an incoming text message). I made myself a cup of coffee and started doing some research online. I checked my email accounts and a few other websites prior but who can blame me? I'm so not a morning person. I called the vet and was able to get an appointment that day for our dog. I also was able to get an appointment with my doctor. Nothing's wrong but we've heard from a lot of people that the insurance company assigned them a doctor and then when they went to schedule an appointment, their doctor wasn't accepting new patience. I told that to the receptionist. I said nothing was wrong and that's what I had heard and I just wanted to meet the doctor and get a check up because we want to start trying to have a family.
I also managed to cancel my credit card! Despite the person (I couldn't fully tell if it was a man or a woman) wanting to up my $500 limit to $600. I told them that my husband added me to his credit card account and we decided to get rid of my credit card because it had the lowest limit. Even after offering the extra $100. They would have had to up it a HELL of a lot more in order to even compete. So what if it puts a little blemish on our credit report. We just bought a house and we won't default on our payments because they're being automatically taken out.
My grandparents were in town this last weekend. It felt like I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off Thursday thru Saturday. My grandma called me Friday and told me that they were actually going to be in town that day. We went and saw them that night. I gave them directions to our house and told them that they could eat lunch and come over after or they could come over for lunch and that I had the stuff to make sandwiches. She said that she'd call me when they were getting ready to come over. I had enough time to get up in the morning, have some coffee, take a shower and had just taken the rugs out onto the back porch to shake them off when the doorbell rang. It was them. The house was nowhere near what I wanted it to be for them to come over. First thing out of Grandma's mouth when she walked in the door was, "It smells like dog in here." Go figure...we have one!
I gave them a tour (quick since our house isn't that big) and we decided to eat lunch. I gave my husband a napkin and asked him to wipe down the table outside so we could eat out there. Minutes later, my grandma came in and asked for some paper towels because he didn't do a very good job at wiping the table down. Seriously! It's only dirt that's accumulated since he set it up. It's not like there was caked on food or anything. We hadn't used it yet.
We took them out to the sand dunes and to the beach. I got a whole grocery bag full of shells that I still need to clean.
I should get going. I need to get dressed and grab some quarters and go to the laundry mat to wash the comforters. I'll be making a grocery list to. I have to pick up some little things. Some napkins, cleaning supplies, a few groceries (like eggs and apples and whatever else). I'll have to do that after my husband comes home for lunch because he has all the cash.
tiredWednesday, August 6, 2008
10:07AM - Job Security At It's Lowest
I live in a great small town. I love it, love it, love it!!! It's less than 10,000 people in the town that my husband works in. Not sure about the town I live in. I just love it.
I love the fact that I live so close to the ocean. I love the fact that I live so close to a major body of water that doesn't smell or look nasty (like Lake P in Nola).
The only down side of living in a small town is the job opportunity or should I say lack of job opportunity. Because it's a small town, I imagine that they're not using the internet to its fullest to post jobs. Most of the jobs listed are for nursing positions. I'm not a nurse and I don't want to be a nurse.
I looked on the website for the local hospital and found two jobs. One says that there may not be any positions available right now and the other is an on call type and doesn't guarantee any hours. I'm going to try the local library and I have a few other ideas of places to visit.
hungrySaturday, August 2, 2008
7:08PM - No Period Yet
I had hoped that when I wrote this it would be because I'm pregnant. My period was supposed to start on Thursday. I thought it was supposed to start on Wednesday but I double checked and saw that I was a day off. Anyway, I'm 3 days late (well, almost 3 days) and I took another pregnancy test. It came back negative, as did all the others. I have spent almost, if not more than, $100 on those stupid tests and they all say the same thing. NOT PREGNANT. I'm not going to be able to believe it when I actually do take one and the "not" isn't there.
I almost cried today when the results came back negative. I want to so bad to have a baby that every time they're negative, it breaks me down inside. I'd like to think that I'm not just getting fat. I'd like to think that I'm gaining weight because I'm pregnant. I would be totally fine with the scale going up if that were the case. Since I'm not, I just feel disgusting.
I hate taking showers because I have to see myself naked. I hate looking at my wedding pictures because I wanted to weigh about 30 pounds less than what I did. I hate looking at pictures from high school and from when I first joined the military because I was skinny and that's what I'd like to look like now.
crankyWednesday, July 30, 2008
2:31PM - Going Insane
Ironic that the title includes part of the website's name. Anyway, I just got off the phone with my mom. I'm trying to create a dinner menu for the next two weeks so I can create my grocery list. My husband tried to tell me last night that I should be able to go to the store and spend $150 for food to last two weeks. I'm not quite sure what planet he's living on because now-a-days, $150 is not going to buy you enough food to last you two weeks. I mean if you want to eat nothing but sandwiches and top ramen for two weeks. I'm trying to tell him that if we want to have a family, we can't just live like that.
Stupid and small things are driving me crazy right now. He's moved all of the chemicals and what not out to the shed so there's not much left in the garage except some of our boxes. I came across a christmas decoration while unpacking a box in the office and asked him if he could put it in the garage with the other few christmas decorations that we have. He told me to put it in the spare room. I told him that we have this much christmas stuff and would it kill him to store it on the top shelf in a corner of the garage. I told him that if we're wanting to start a family, our kid will be sleeping in the now spare room and their stuff will be in there and in the closet and everything. I tried to tell him that but he just wouldn't listen.
He's driving me nuts. We don't have a whole lot of shelf space or closet space and the most storage space we have is in the F**KING GARAGE!!! We've been arguing and fighting and everything and I can't stand it.
Well, I'm gonna go and continue to make my list of dinners and grocery list. I told my mom that I was going to come up with a dinner menu and show it to him when he gets home later. I will then continue to create my grocery list but he will not see the list. I'm telling him that everything that's on the list is not negotiable...they're staying on the list. One of the things I'm making is Irish Stew and if he saw that it has turnips and everything in it, he'll complain.
Gonna take off!
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